50 Shades of Bad Timing

I want to start by saying that I have not read 50 Shades of Grey. I am not judging anyone who has read it. I've certainly read erotica before, in fact I've even written some. It's just that I've heard from a couple of reliable sources that it reads like it was written by a 13 year old and alternates between a few pages of sexy bits followed by several chapters of whining and teenage angst while the protagonist wonders if her boyfriend really likes her.

That didn't sound very entertaining to me. 

What has been entertaining has been reading and seeing different people's reaction to the series, watching the parodies of it, and reading the magazine articles that both criticize and applaud this pop culture phenomenon.

My favourite so far is the tongue in cheek article "17 Shades of Stupid: Cosmos worst BDSM sex tips" that critiques Cosmo magazines 50 Shades inspired advice.  I warn you though, the writer's comments are fairly graphic so if you prefer more euphemistic descriptions of sex, I'd avoid reading it. 

Here's one that's fairly tame:

"6.  Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps of out of the shower - wet skin is more sensitive."

Ben Reininga, author of the "17 Shades of Stupid" article had this comment to add "To increase the arousing nature of this kinky surprise, I'd suggest you get up early, before he's awake, hide behind the toilet with a towel over your head, clutching the brush with both hands, and give a little war-whoop when you start swatting.  That ought to really blow his mind."

For some reason when I read it the first time, the description of hiding behind the toilet led somehow to me putting a toilet brush in the scenario;  BDSM with an added staph infection. Lovely!  When my husband was reading the article, I told him of my gaff and we ended up laughing hysterically at a number of newly imagined scenarios.

A few days later I walked into the ensuite while my husband was rummaging through its linen closet for a towel.  He was naked and dripping wet from the shower.  The phrase "wet skin is more sensitive" popped into my head.  I gave into a sudden impulse and lunged towards him giving his butt a mighty smack that was surprisingly loud. He hadn't heard me come into the room and shouted in surprise, glaring at me with a look that can only be described as murderous.   He was wet and cold,  he had just concluded there were no towels in the closet, and it was I who had thrown his towel in the wash the day before and not replaced it ...not for the first time either.  

Ooops

I'm certain a jury of his peers would have found him innocent had he given into his impulse.